So I’m a vegetarian. In case you were wondering. Now I know you weren’t, but it does give me some good story material. My husband is a vegetarian, and so are my kids. And for the record…
MY KIDS ARE NOT MALNOURISHED!
Sorry to shout, but I get that a lot. Since we went veggie over a year ago I have carefully weighed and measured my sons (5 & 6) to make sure they didn’t magically stop growing since we went veggie. They didn’t. And they eat healthier than any McDonald munching, lunchable for lunch every single day kid you’ll ever meet. But one time, a room mother told me that big J (my kindergartner) bites his nails. (Um, yeah, I know that. It’s a terrible habit, he got it from me.) But then she went on to let me know that he bit his nails due to a dietary deficiency (wtf?) and that it was most certainly because we were vegetarian. Um, yeah. Sure. (And of course I came home and looked it up and even called my doctor who actually laughed me off the phone.) But it’s not true. No one bites their nails because they are vegetarian.
Wait. There was a funny part to this story. When we were newbie veggies we headed out to the only place in our former hometown where we could get strange vegetarian food. Trader Joes. And we loaded up our cart with all sorts of interesting sounding vegetarian goodies. (Most of which taste like ass btw – you live and you learn.) And we come to the chip aisle. Now my boys love pirates. They have pirate playsets, and pirate hats, and the whole shebang. So I spy something. Something cute. Something that certainly my boys will get a kick out of.
Trader Joes was packed that day. In fact just seconds earlier I ran into a couple of reporters from the paper that I used to work at. It was loud and it was bustling. And I say to my sons, “Hey boys! Check this out! You wanna get some Pirate’s Booty?” And that’s when it happened. For some unknown reason a hush fell over the store. A hush that did not extend to my younger son, who was four at the time.
“MOMMY! WHY WOULD YOU FEED US A PIRATE’S BUTT?”
I’m pretty sure it showed up in the next day’s paper under the heading of “Seen and Overheard”. I was afraid to look.